I know some of you will accuse me of heresy against a Higher Power for saying it, but I don’t like Apple. Never have.
That’s why talk that Apple might jump into the car business leaves me not only nonplused but giggling at the thought of how the world’s richest company would translate its current business practices from phones to automobiles.
Let’s dispense with these in order, shall we?
Would an Apple iCar be half-again or twice as expensive as its closest competitor and be functionally obsolete in two years? Imagine those lease payments.
Would the iCar have two sizes of windscreen? Maybe not at first, but certainly a larger windscreen would be offered when engineers couldn’t think of another way to make the earlier model obsolete.
Would consumers be able to use their own energy? Probably not. If history is any example, Apple will sign a lucrative contract with a network-limited supplier for exclusive rights to refill the iCar. Then it will blame consumers when their cars stop moving, telling them they need to upgrade their cars if they want them to work properly.
Oh, and by the way, the fuel upgrade will require an extra half of the existing tank, meaning the upgraded iCar will go only half as far as it previously would. You don’t mind, do you?
The iCar’s audio system should be spectacular though, correct? Oh, indeed. But don’t look for standard radio. There’s no way to monetize that. Instead, you’ll be able to listen to every song that you want to buy.
Consumers would be able to park their iCars anywhere, though, right? Wrong. The iCar will be able to dock only in the iGarage, which will cost something like four or five times the price of an industry standard garage and fit only the iCar. But it will look nice. Until it needs to be replaced.
Speaking of appearance, the iCar will certainly be a looker, won’t it? Indeed. It will be gorgeous, if history is any judge. However, it may not come with wheels, which would make it more functional to its calling as an automobile but are judged as unattractive. Its original battery will also last only a month.
What about its ride? It will be spectacular, perhaps the best ever. And then, inevitably, a rock will fly up while you’re driving on the highway and crack the unusually fragile windscreen, rendering the entire vehicle painful to operate and nearly useless.
And, finally, when calamity does strike and a consumer needs to trade in the iCar 1 for the iCar 2, upgrading will be an easy process, right?
Yes, it will, so long as you don’t mind standing in line.